


Choke it Down

by InkedConstellations



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Unrequited Love, and boys being oblivious, and not just talking to each other, because i can't write anything else, but not really, hooray for ignorance, there is no funny only pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-09 00:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8869477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkedConstellations/pseuds/InkedConstellations
Summary: Allen Walker can't deny it.There's a burning in his chest and petals on his fingertips and oh god this can't be happening because the signs are unmistakable.Allen Walker has Hanahaki Disease, and he's going to die unless he fixes it, somehow.





	1. Broken Lilies

**Author's Note:**

> I've been obsessed with Hanahaki Disease lately for some reason, and I got this idea and just couldn't shake it.  
> I hope y'all like it and aren't too upset at the end.

_**Hanahaki Disease** **:**  An illness born from one-sided love, where a flower grows inside the lungs of the patient, slowly suffocating them from the inside. The patient throws up flower petals when they suffer from this unrequited love, the infection growing worse the longer it is left untreated and the more intense and hopeless one's feelings are. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings and the memories of the person you love disappear along with the illness, to never be felt for that person again._

 

He felt a tickle inside his throat, something soft, and coughed. Something landed on his tongue and Allen spit it out into his hand, rubbed gloved fingers over the petal sticking to the cloth. He almost wasn't surprised to see the petal there on his fingertips, lily white and smooth, wet with saliva. It had been a while since his chest began burning when he ran, since it began getting harder to take a full breath, since every time a certain raven-haired swordsman touched his shoulder or offered rare praise Allen felt something blooming in his throat that wanted to come spilling out.

Allen wasn't stupid, he had heard of the symptoms. There was only one thing that could have him coughing up flower petals, and it wasn't his diet--unless Jerry had decided to pull a prank and start stuffing lily blossoms in the center of the sandwiches he scarfed down every afternoon snack. Hanahaki Disease. The flower born from unrequited love, making it possible to die from a broken heart.

He knew who the flower in his chest was growing for, too, even if he didn't want to admit it. Kanda Yuu, the sword-wielding exorcist that would never love him back, too straight-laced to depend on Allen the way the white-haired boy had come to depend on Kanda and too stubborn to ever let himself fall prey to something as stupid, as weak, as love. Allen's throat burned and he coughed again, a deep hacking thing that reached all the way to his center. When he pulled his hand away, more petals littered his fingertips. Allen crushed them between his fingers and threw them to the ground, hoping the plant would die.

* * *

The coughing grew worse.

He had to suppress it, just choke it down, keep the flower from bursting past his tongue until he was in the safety of a bathroom or a hotel room or even just behind a rock, where no one could see him gasping for breath as petal after petal drew its way up his throat. Allen could feel the plant now, pushing at his lungs every time he tried to breathe. It was getting harder to hide it when the sessions were becoming more frequent, and Allen got used to the feeling of silk against the back of his throat as he swallowed to keep from vomiting the mess of flower petals.

He'd asked Lavi what kind of flower it was, unable to suppress his curiosity.

The redhead had looked at him strangely when he presented a few petals, claiming he had merely found them outside and wanted to know what kind of flower it was. "These are actually two different flowers. This one is from a water lily, Allen. And this one a white lotus. It's pretty easy to get the two mixed up since they look so similar, there are just a couple differences in petal shape and the way they sit on the water. They even mean pretty much the same things if you're going for the flower language. Eloquence, grace, purity of heart. White in particular signifies devotion, and they have a few religious ties."

Lavi squinted at the white-haired exorcist with his one good eye, looking him up and down as if he could see Allen's bones just by trying hard enough. "Where did you say you found these again? Neither of these flowers grow anywhere near here. In fact, the petals are in almost perfect condition for if you found them just lying around."

Allen laughed, the sound cut short when another round of coughing threatened to tickle the back of his throat. He couldn't do this here, not now, in front of Lavi. The junior Bookman was too smart to ignore all the signs. "It's nothing, Lavi, I just found them on the ground. Maybe someone just dropped a few and I came along right after--I can't help being curious, you know?"

The red-haired exorcist tried to push farther, lips pursed as he rubbed the petals absent-mindedly. "Are you sure you're okay, Allen? You've seemed kind of peaky lately, and you're even paler than usual. I've noticed you resting more often, and if I'm not wrong you've got a nasty cough too. Now you're coming to me with these flowers and I can't help but think you're hiding--"

"Don't!" Allen cut him off, waving a hand through the air. Turning his chin so that his hair hid his face, Allen just shook his head, voice softer now. "Just...don't say anything else, Lavi. It's fine. It'll all be fine."

 Lavi nodded slowly, and crushed the petals still between his fingertips as Allen turned away, wishing the flower would die.

* * *

Kanda expressed his concern in the worst of ways, of course. With anger, the way he faced everything to do with Allen. One moment Allen was walking down the hallway of headquarters to his room, albeit a bit unsteady as he struggled to get a full breath into his lungs, and the next his shoulder was slammed against the stone as Kanda hovered over him. The swordsman was trying to intimidate him with his height, pressing his arm to Allen's throat like he was somehow stronger than Allen's Innocence infused arm, as if the younger man couldn't simply push him away with a single motion. The pressure on his throat made Allen cough, and he swallowed sharply before the petals could make their way onto his tongue, almost gasping as he felt the edges cut the inside of his mouth.

He was so warm, so close and Allen shuddered with the heat of it. He remembered dreaming of Kanda pushing close against him like this, but instead of threats there were kisses and Kanda's lips bruising his because Kanda never did anything half-way. He always gave his everything to a task, even if he pretended indifference, and it was one of the reasons why Allen loved him so fiercely. The respect Kanda earned when he swung his sword without hesitation, the anger at himself when he was unable to save everyone and the way he forced himself to not care at all, self-loathing hidden so well behind the face of a soldier. The way he put himself in harm's way again and again and again simply because he healed faster than everyone else. And now he was here, pressing a hand to Allen's chest and a knee to his to keep him from running as he growled questions, voice low and unhappy and head tilted so he could look the shorter exorcist in the eyes, and Allen knew to kiss him all he had to do was lean forward slightly--

It was too much, and Allen choked so suddenly that Kanda loosened his grip in surprise, automatically moving back to give the young man space as he began to cough. It was just enough for Allen to cover his mouth, keeping the petals in as he shoved away from Kanda and ran, ignoring the way he stumbled slightly or the sound of that stupid, endearing nickname being called in Kanda's voice and the fact that worried as he appeared to be  _Kanda didn't run after him_. He ran for his room and didn't bother to turn on a lamp, kicking the door closed as fast as possible because Kanda couldn't know. He could never know.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Allen started hacking, collapsing to his knees as his shoulders shook uncontrollably. He had to choke it down, couldn't choke it down, heaved as strings of saliva and vomit and finally a single, whole lotus dropped from his mouth to land wetly on the floor. The petals were limp, slightly crushed from his teeth, and the sight sent Allen coughing again, single petals and whole buds scratching their way up his throat until he passed out next to the growing pile, unable to breathe.

When he woke, several hours later, he noticed the pristine white petals stained with blood.

* * *

Lenalee was the first to know for certain. 

She followed him after an easy fight with level one's left him gasping, hunched over and pale as he raced to a nearby rock and began heaving behind it. He could feel her standing there, hovering and unsure what to do as his shoulders shook and thick strands of bloodstained flowers flew from his lungs to land in wet piles at his knees. She fluttered for a few minutes before settling next to him, hand rubbing his shoulders sympathetically in a motion that was meant to be soothing but only sent Allen spiralling into another fit.

"Oh Allen, I'm so sorry, it's Hanahaki, isn't it? Oh Allen..." The pity in her voice made Allen feel sick again, and he turned away from her as he wiped his mouth, finally able to catch a deep breath. Allen found himself grateful it had only been them on this mission, instead of a larger group. Their Finder had died during the battle, stars covering his skin before he crumbled into dust. "It's...It's Kanda, isn't it? I've seen the way you look at him, sometimes."

He nodded slowly, not wanting to trust his voice as Timcanpy fluttered anxiously around his shoulders, little hands trying to pull his hair back and cool his forehead after the petals finished clogging his throat. Allen spat the last few out onto the ground, breathing heavily as blood and saliva dripped off his tongue to pool amongst the stained white flowers. Wheezing, Allen forced the words out of his broken throat. "Can't...tell him...no one knows...for sure...but you. I can't tell him...can't..."

"Allen...if the disease has gotten this far, you don't have much longer. There's no time for anything else, you have to get surgery to remove it or you'll die. Please, we have to tell Komui at least, let him help you. We can cut it out, you'll be fine, you'll live."

There was a difference between living and surviving, and Allen wondered where they drew the line, what he would be without this thickness in his throat or the pounding in his chest. He didn't want the surgery, didn't want to forget the way his chest tightened when Kanda flashed a rare smirk in his direction, or tossed out a single word of praise. Allen didn't want to forget the way Kanda held his chopsticks as he ate soba or how to watch his back in combat, so it felt like the two of them were a single person. There was so much of him tied to Kanda now, from the way he fought to the the way he laughed just a little lighter, a bit realer than before, how he felt so much more alive and trusted and knew that even if Kanda never felt the same way he would never abandon a fellow soldier.

There was so much of him tied to Kanda now, who would he even be without the swordsman? It had been so long he'd forgotten how he was before, travelling with Cross and fighting his way to the Order.

But this was a war, and Allen knew he was weaker for this thing growing inside of him, crushing his heart and invading his lungs until he eventually wouldn't be able to fight anymore, and then he would die, suffocated by his love. It was coming soon, he could feel it in every breath he struggled to take. There was no use for an exorcist who couldn't fight, and Allen had made a promise when he began wearing the robes of the Black Order. This war was a promise, to himself, to his new friends, to the Akuma and the Noah and the Earl and to Kanda and Allen never broke the few promises he made. He was still keeping his first promise to  _Keep Walking_ but wasn't this feeling for Kanda a kind of promise as well? Even if it was only to himself, and threatened to break all the other promises he had made?

But this was a war, so Allen nodded and let his head rest on Lenalee's shoulder on the train ride back to Headquarters. He closed his eyes as she led him to Komui's office so he wouldn't have to see the understanding and the pity wash over the scientists face, because for all his eccentricities Komui truly cared about his subordinates. He closed his ears so he wouldn't have to hear Lenalee explain, wouldn't have to listen to Komui ready his tools and ask if he was sure because he couldn't afford to change his mind.

Allen coughed one last time, a full, pure white water lily pushing it's way past his tongue to land on the operating sheet, staining it with flecks of blood, and Allen laughed.

Devotion indeed. It was fitting the flower was ruined by his blood, by his duty. Then everything went black.

When he woke, there was nothing but noise and and a curious hollow feeling inside his chest. Allen tried to remember what was missing but came up blank, remembering only the Order and then an operation to fix his arm, and the noise was distinguishable now as yelling in a voice that felt very familiar. A voice he should have known, but didn't, and it left a listing feeling inside his head as his heart tried to skip a beat but then continued on, as normal as ever, and Allen pried open his eyes to see Lenalee wrestling with a tall, black haired man wearing the Order's uniform. He coughed once, throat dry as he squinted at the man, who noticed he was awake and shouted directly at his this time, partially in anger and partially in worry.

"Beansprout!"

It echoed strangely in his chest, and Allen frowned, forgetting, for the moment, to put on the mask he was so used to wearing. He pressed a hand to his heart and shook his head, staring at the stranger and trying to ignore the shock seeping into his face as he answered.

"Who are you?"

 

 


	2. The Scent of Azaleas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Azaleas mean temperance (or emotional evenness), fondness, and fragile or developing passion.  
> When sent in a black vase, they are also a death threat.
> 
> Kanda's point of view.

If Kanda was honest with himself, he felt a kind of grudging respect for Allen Walker. He would never dare to say it out loud, but he admired the white-haired exorcist, for his spirit, for his skill, for his dependability. It wasn’t Kanda’s fault that the Beansprout was also an irredeemable idiot.

The boy was far too soft-hearted for their line of work, and Kanda couldn’t afford to waste his time on the emotional instability of a circus boy gone wild, not when he had his own problems to take care of. Of course he wasn’t worried. Walker was a grown boy, he could take care of himself. Or rather, he should. Even if sometimes the Beansprout seemed hell-bent on doing the exact opposite of that, and sprint headfirst into danger because he thought he knew better than anyone else and could do whatever the hell he wanted, and on his own to boot. For anyone who was interested, he couldn’t. Kanda always had to pull Walker’s little ass out of trouble.

He was used to seeing Walker’s bare chest when they roomed together after a mission, or happened to be in the washroom at the same time. Kanda knew each scar on that pale skin, not that he was staring, of course, and had seen first hand where many of them came from. Kanda knew many things about Allen Walker he had never bothered to remember about other people before, like how he favored his right side sometimes when he fought, or that he got this weird half-baked expression on his face when he worried about something. An expression like that on a mission could get everyone involved killed.

But most familiar to Kanda, he knew how Allen walked when he was in pain and hiding it, for whatever stupid reason he had thought up.

The stupidest part was how the Beansprout still thought he was able to fool Kanda.

* * *

Kanda slammed his fist against the wall and swore. He knew that he was terrible at expressing himself, but Kanda had thought they were friends by now, goddammit, or at the very least were able to depend on each other. Especially when it came to things that could affect the whole order, like health issues. If there was one thing Kanda hated more than anything in the world--and Kanda hated a great number of things--it was feeling useless, and the Sprout had just made that irritating feeling bloom everywhere beneath his skin.

...Perhaps he hadn’t expressed himself in a good way, again. But Kanda couldn’t help getting irritated when Walker looked like he was getting worse, from whatever the hell was going on, and no one else seemed to notice a damn thing. Even if it was something Kanda only grudgingly admitted, Walker was the best exorcist they had, dammit. Aside from Kanda, of course. And it was the Order’s responsibility to take care of their exorcists. It was owed by this point, especially since Walker wouldn’t do it himself.

Still, maybe it hadn’t been best to slam Walker up against the wall like that. Kanda had been concerned when he saw the pale exorcist swaying down the hallway, and the concern sparked into anger that the Beansprout had let himself get this run down, and the next Kanda knew he was pressing the other exorcist into the wall with his body, growling down at him as if he could intimidate the Sprout into finally answering some goddamn questions. Maybe Walker would finally look Kanda in the eyes instead of focusing his attention on what seemed to be Kanda’s chin? Why the fuck had the Sprout been looking at Kanda’s chin? Maybe it would help him process the words Kanda was saying because he really didn’t look like he was paying attention at all, and “Goddammit Walker get your shit together, you look like you’re going to keel over any day now and I--and the order needs an exorcist like you.”

As if on cue, Walker had choked, on what Kanda had no idea, but it seemed to come from somewhere deep inside him. So deep that it shook his entire body, left him curling into himself to clutch his throat and Kanda automatically moved back to let him breathe, grip loosening as something akin to fear shot through his veins. Kanda had been so surprised that he couldn’t move for a few seconds, something that cost him dearly when Walker tore his hands away and bolted for his room, Kanda startled into just standing there as the Beansprout ran.

Staring after the white-haired boy, Kanda frowned deeply, remembering the way Walker had shivered before hacking painfully, the strange, half-happy, half-sad expression on his face and the unusual heat of his body, and dammit, he had evaded Kanda’s questions _again_ , hadn’t he? Kanda was just as clueless as before as to what was wrong with the Beansprout. Hand curling into a fist so tightly that his nails dug crescent marks into his skin, Kanda slammed his fist into the wall once more.

* * *

This time, Kanda had a plan.

He would confront that stupid One-Eyed Rabbit instead of the Beansprout. Lavi knew almost everything that went on inside this castle, something about a combination of that insatiable curiosity that irritated Kanda so endlessly and his recording duties as a Bookman. If anyone knew what was wrong with Walker, it would be him.

If he would tell Kanda fucking _anything_ useful _at all_. He just kept babbling on about how he was surprised to see Kanda actually ‘taking the initiative in a relationship for once’ and that ‘Yuu must care about Allen a lot~’. It took every ounce of willpower Kanda had not to kill the Rabbit right then, once and for all. At least he shut up when Mugen pressed against his neck...for the most part.

“You know, Yuu, I’m worried about Allen too. But he made me promise not to say anything, and I won’t break that promise.” Lavi smiled sadly, his one eye duller than Kanda had ever seen.

Growling, Kanda turned to leave, sheathing Mugen and determined to find Lenalee. He never should have asked this idiot, even if he knew something he was too damn stubborn to let Kanda know, and terrible to deal with, to boot. He needed to get someone who would actually give him information, and if Lenalee hadn’t noticed something by now, she was a shitty best friend and Walker definitely needed to stop hanging around her so often when they were off duty. One day Komui would get jealous.

“Kanda, before you go…”

The black-haired exorcist paused at the hesitance in Lavi’s voice, and threw a glare over his shoulder. “What, you damn Rabbit? This better be useful.”

“I...don’t actually have any proof. But from what I can tell, he has the symptoms. Kanda, Allen brought me flowers. Petals from a water lily, and a white lotus.”

Kanda was silent for a long moment, something in his stomach sinking as he began putting the pieces together. He didn’t look at Lavi as he left, for some reason unwilling to show the Rabbit his expression as he growled in response, “You should have said so in the beginning.”

There was a sickness in Kanda’s stomach and a scratchy feeling in his throat. Walker was out on a mission with Lenalee right now, Kanda would confront him again when they got back, maybe it would make this awful feeling inside his chest go away, because there was no way what Lavi was insinuating were true. There was no way the Beansprout of all people could have _that_ disease.

This whole plan had been fucking useless.

* * *

“Kanda, Allen’s in surgery right now, he’s not available.”

Kanda stared at Lenalee blankly. After a few moment he let out a short bark of laughter, forcing his face into a sneer. He had come as soon as he heard they were back from their mission, and Lenalee fed him this crap?

“So he fucked up again during the mission, huh? I told him not to be a deadweight, the idiot.” Kanda was absolutely not concerned about the Beansprout. He could handle himself on the battlefield, why else would he be the only man Kanda ever trusted his back to? “What did he do this time, take on a level three by himself?”

Lenalee stared at Kanda, almost nervously. She seemed as though she was searching for something in his face, a hint of desperation and disapproval in her eyes. Kanda flinched slightly, but then steeled his expression again as Lenalee opened her mouth to speak.

“Kanda...it’s Hanahaki.”

* * *

 

He blanks for a few seconds after this. Kanda isn’t sure why, but he vaguely remembers his face twisting into some strange expression and then Lenalee’s voice calling his name. The next clear image is bursting through the doors of the hospital wing and the Head Nurse glaring at him. He glared right back and barrelled past her, Lenalee on his heels. He was sure she was saying something, protesting, but Kanda wasn’t really listening. He was yelling back at her, but he wasn’t even really listening to himself, turning a glare on Lenalee as she wormed her way in front of him, arms spread out in front of the Beansprout’s bed as if she was protecting him. As if the thought of hurting Walker for real didn’t make Kanda want to throw up.

And then there was the soft noise of someone shifting and Kanda looked up to see the Beansprout properly for the first time and _oh_ . He was awake, wasn’t he? Kanda was going to kill him for this, for being so stupid. For cutting out a piece of himself, for letting himself fall in love in the first place if he was just going to stand there and kill himself from the inside out, for looking so fragile and tired and pale, swamped by his operation gown and the sheets piled on top of the bed because Kanda _definitely_ shouldn’t care this much.

Kanda couldn't help the relief and hope that colored his voice as Allen opened his eyes and lifted his head to stare at Kanda, Lenalee holding him back from charging up to the bed. His eyes were blank, glazed over as if he weren't fully awake yet but Kanda didn't care because it meant he was still alive, it meant that the flowers hadn't killed him, although it's not like Kanda cared after all. He was just here as a friend, no, not even, he was here as an exorcist to make sure Allen wasn't useless, that he could still fight light the soldier he was and that there was no way those petals were for Kanda just like there was absolutely no desperation in Kanda's voice as he called out, half in anger.

"Beansprout!"

Allen stared at Kanda blankly, no spark of indignation at the nickname, or even recognition at all, and something heaved deep inside Kanda, a half-remembered feeling suddenly shivering into full focus and Kanda crushed it as he tried to make sense of the emptyness inside Allen's eyes. The black-haired swordsman shook his head slowly as Allen spoke, confused words making Kanda sick to his stomach, like something was scraping inside him and trying to get out. The swordsman raised a hand to his chest in mirror of Allen, trying to choke the feeling down.

"Who are you?"

His heart was heaving beneath his fingertips and something twisted inside the raven-haired swordsman, a sudden blooming of heat as he realized what it meant, that Allen had forgotten him. The flowers had been his and he had failed, failed to notice failed to ask the right questions failed to keep Allen from carving out a piece of his heart that would never grow back, and he had to choke it down. Kanda had to ignore the thickness in his throat because there was no way he'd be so affected by this, he had to choke it down and hide the shock weaving through his eyes, clamp down on the lump behind his lungs that was making it hard to breathe and pretend there was nothing wrong with this because why would it matter to him in the first place if Allen remembered or not?

He felt a tickle inside his throat, something soft, and coughed.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't be mad


	3. Yarrow and Verbena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small snippets of Kanda, after the fact.
> 
> Otherwise known as the seven stages of grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yarrow is believed to be a cure for a broken heart, and Verbena holds the sentiment “Pray for me”.

He was sick with the flavor of **Marigolds:** Grief

  1. Shock or disbelief 



**Impatiens** \- impatience

    Kanda almost felt his heart stop. What the hell was Beansprout doing? Recognize him already, goddammit, it wasn’t supposed to be this hard to look at each other.

 

  1. Denial



**Gladiolus** \- you pierce my heart

    He recognized the feeling as it burst inside his chest, his heart squeezing in an imitation of pain. Kanda raised one hand to his mouth to feel the silk of a petal on his tongue and stared at the blank gaze of Allen in the bed in front of him and  _ this can’t be happening please no _

 

  1. Bargaining



**Camellia** \- my destiny is in your hands

    Maybe if Kanda said his name, the Beansprout would open his eyes in recognition again. Maybe if he stepped forward, Walker would laugh and say it was a joke, maybe, maybe. There were flowers in his chest that belonged to Allen, if he’d have them.

 

  1. Guilt



**Zinnia** \- I mourn your absence

   This was his fault, wasn’t it? Kanda took a step back, face twisting into a scowl. His own lack of observation, his inability to put aside his own anger and pride and simply tell Walker he cared if he died. In a way the Beansprout he’d known  _ was _ dead. He could have stopped this, it really was--

 

  1. Anger



**Nettle** \- cruelty

    --not his fault at all. Honestly, how stubborn, how stupid, how  _ cruel _ could the Beansprout be to have done this? To so selfishly decide everything all on his own, when obviously it wasn’t all about him? It was the Beansprout’s fault, and Kanda hated him for this, for dooming both of them.

 

  1. Depression



**Raspberry** \- remorse

   Kanda took another step back, and now Lenalee was looking at him with concern. He wanted to wipe that look from her face. He didn’t want her pity. What would have happened, Kanda wondered, if he had figured out his own heart faster? Would they have managed to save each other from this  _ parasite _ ?

 

  1. Acceptance/hope 



**Persimmon** \- bury me amid nature’s beauty

    Had it really only been a few minutes? It must have been longer, that he was staring into those confused, blank eyes. Walker had forgotten him. That was it. 

  
He’d just have to swallow the petals in his throat, and forget Allen too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special kudos to anyone who knows what flowers bloomed inside Kanda.  
> Hint: There are two, just like Allen. One is hinted at in chapter two, the other one here.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, and thank you.


End file.
